God gives and takes away

Well, I have good news and bad news. Aug 7th we took a pregnancy test and found out we were pregnant. We went to the OB for an appt and started some bloodwork on the following Monday. My HCG level was only 151, so the doc wanted to keep watch so I had to get bloodwork again. The numbers need to double. So on Aug 13 I had my blood drawn again and found that my levels were only at 272. There was still hope because I was having all the symptoms of a pregnant woman and the levels were at least going up! They ordered test to be done again in 6 days, a day before my OB appt. By this time, I had started spotting. I went to my OB appt and was told that the levels have gone up to 478. Which was good that it was going up, but I knew that it wasn't enough! By the time I was at the appt, I was bleeding more. Of course I was scared, but the doc did her exam and stated that it is possible to still have a healthy pregnancy. But she did tell us of all the other possibilities. Most of them ending in a miscarriage. We went home and I tried to relax. Then Friday, when I woke up, I knew something had changed. My symptoms of pregnancy were all gone. And I was bleeding more. Yet with no pain. I called John to come home and we went to the ER. They were all so nice and got me back there fairly quickly. They did more bloodwork. Then wheeled me off to ultrasound. The whole time the tech was quiet, she never said a word. Which made me more anxious. Then they took me back to my room where they moved me again to get a pelvic exam. Then the Dr came to us and told us that they did see something in my ultrasound. It was just hard to tell because I was so early in the pregnancy(like only 4 weeks). The bloodwork came back at 546. I was happy that it was going up, but I could see that it was starting to slow down. But I kept my faith because the Dr said that my cervix was still closed, which was a good thing. So they were diagnosing me as a Threatening Miscarriage. They discharged me, then the pain started. By the time we got home (which is only 5 mins away)I was have a lot of pain. I went to the bathroom and there on my pad was something I had never seen before. I knew what I was looking at, but I had to take it back to the Dr to get confirmation. When we got back, we showed him and he told us I was in Active Miscarriage now. It crushed both me and John. We know God has it all under control, but still it is so hard. The only good thing out of this is that we now know that we can get pregnant. And being that I have miscarried, my OB will now treat me as a high risk pregnancy. I grieved all night, and thankfully had a restful and dreamless sleep. Today I feel okay. At times I am angry. Then times of sadness set in. Then there are times of contentment. I know that God has an amazing plan for John and I, and I can't wait to see what unfolds. One thing I know for sure, I have married the right man. He has been my rock. He has been there for me in all aspect of this event. I am so blessed to have him in my life and I love him so much. Going through this has made me fall even more in love with him. It has brought us even closer as a couple. He is my best friend, and my hero.

God is awesome!

Okay, just to get you up to date. Last week I had to get my blood work done to check my progesterone level. The doctor can tell by that level if I ovulated. I talked to the doctor yesterday and she said that I defiantly ovulated!! So that is a good think. That means that the 50mg of Clomid worked!! The doctor wants to wait a week to see if I start my period, if I don't then I have to do more blood work to see if I am pregnant!!! Either way I am excited because it's great news! Finally, 2 years of not knowing if anything was going to work! A little light of hope! God is so great! We will see what God has in store for me!!!! Yay!

Preparing the fields

Well, last night I took the last of the 5 day treatment of Clomid. I am giving it all to God. Yesterday John and I went out to lunch and I was talking to him about having faith. And I said, "You know what, I've done all my praying and I have faith, I think I need to prepare the fields." And now this is when it clicked to me. That's what I need to do. Okay, you all are probably wondering what I am talking about. There is the story about the 2 farmers who were both praying for rain for their crop. They both prayed everyday for the rain, but the one farmer went and prepared the fields for the rain while the other one just waited for the rain to come. The one who prepared his field was blessed because he had faith and was ready. So anyway. that is what I was talking about. I am feeling ready this time to have a baby. The last time we did the hormone treatment, I was petrified, but quite about it. But now I fell good about it! I am ready. We have the house. We have the family car.
And while I was thinking about this the last two days, it's really been pulling at my heart to "prepare." But I didn't know where to start. I mean, was this just going to get our hopes up? But that is just the devil trying to discourage me. John and I went to the store today to buy the ovulation kits and we walked down the baby supply isle. I was like, "What should we get to 'prepare'?" John looked around and an idea came to him. He said that before we get any of the baby items, he wanted to get the room cleaned out. You see, we have a guest bedroom and a band room. Well, we all know that the band room is staying(for now). He is talking about the little guest room that we have that just holds all our junk. So that is what we are going to do...clean out that room!!!! I am so excited. And you know what, I'm not worried at all. It will all happen when God wants it to happen, but in the mean time, I can prepare the fields for the blessing. I am not saying we are going to rush out tomorrow to get the crib....baby steps! lol. But it is in the direction of baby!!!
And in the mean time, I am praying hard! I will be happy with anything, but I have, since I was 12, always thought that some day I would have twins or triplets. And it runs in John's family and my family. So naturally I have been praying for that, but I know it isn't up to me. God knows how many John and I can handle, and so I will be happy and blessed with as many as God wants to give us!
I am so excited and can't wait to see what happens!!!! God is so good, and I know He will bless us! This PCOS has been such a blessing for me becuase I have grown so much closer to God through it all. I was so depressed and felt like God wasn't there when all of this first came about. But then that's when I realized that I needed to lean on Him more. And I have. I have totally surrendered it all to Him and know that He will take care of it all. It has been an amazing journey and I can't wait to see what happens next. I am so glad that I have Him in my life, other wise I don't know what I would have done. Thank you Lord for all you have done!

Treatment

Okay it's been a little while. Starting April 1st I have re-started the hormones to get my going on a cycle. I took the progestrone for 10 days and then today I started my first pill of clomid!!! Clomid is the hormone that is supposed to stimulate my body to ovulate! I am trying my best not to think about it. The doctors have said not to talk about it, so I'm trying not to tell anyone that I have started the Clomid. It's too much pressure with everyone asking, "Oh, do you think it's working?" "Oh, try not to think about it!" Geez! So John and I have been very hush hush about this.
About a month ago I did a photo shoot with an old friend from church and she too has PCOS and she told me about the story in the Bible about the woman who reached for Jesus knowing that if she just touched him she would be healed. And once she did, Jesus told her that her FAITH had healed her. My friend said that she held on to that verse and claimed it in her life and now she has two beautiful girls. And the crazy thing is, just the day before I was reading that passage and it stuck out to me, but I didn't know why. Then God reveled it to me through my friend that I need to claim that over my life. And you know, there has been a lot more peace. Peace over everything for me.
The first time I started the hormones (before I was diagnosed with PCOS) I was soooo afraid to take it becuase ultimatly I was afraid of getting pregnant. But now, I am at peace with it all. Of course I want it to happen more than anything, but I am not stressed out like I was before. And even if I don't get pregnant on this round, I will be okay. I know its all on God's timing. He is the ultimate physician and I know he will do what is best for me when it is best for me.
I am excited to see what God has instore for me!!!! Thank you Lord!!!

Me and PCOS

Okay okay. so what am I writing about today? I don't really know. I do know that it has been on my heart to write about my journey with all of this. Not only for others to read, but as a bit of therapy for me I guess. So here goes........

Hello all and thanks for taking time to read my story. My name is Stacy Lee and 7 months ago I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome, PCOS. Basically for me that means that I am insulin resistant which is making my hormones not work correctly, which is why I have be unable to get pregnant. Anyway, so I have been taking metformin, (which is a diabetic medication) to help my body with the insulin issue. So far.....not much has changed. I had a major melt down about 2 weeks ago because of frustration and I was crying for about 2 days. I know that I am to trust God in all of this and know that he has a plan for me and John, but sometimes the load just gets so overbearing and I crumble. I want a child so much. I love children. Since I got out of the Army in 2001, i have been working with children is some way. I was a preschool teacher for a few years. Even had a chance to go to Japan for 3 months and teach preschool to jr high school aged children to speak english. And, for the past 4 years I have been working the front desk at a pediatric clinic. So I love to be around children. So when I found out that this road toward parenthood was going to be a long and possibly impossible journey, it was hard. And it still is everyday.